"the art of deep seeing makes gratitude possible."

this quote came to my mind in the middle of the day yesterday.  wednesdays are usually hard days for me.  i'm not sure why.  they just usually aren't my favorite.  but when this quote came to mind (likely not from my own mustering.. hmm..ehem, *God*), i decided that for the rest of the day, my eyes would see things deeply.

deep seeing:

like unoccupied benches in the wilderness to read in weather that lets you
like hibbard's brilliant orange against the sky's brilliant blue
like stumbling upon jazz night in the cabin
like meeting with friends in the middle of the day at a public university to read and ruminate on God's word
like yui, with his sunglasses inside like a diva (:
like lynette, a caf worker who stands in the same spot every day and remembers my name
like windows that let in the golden hour light in the hibbard penthouse
like friends standing for freedom
like the lyrics "Your name is like honey on my lips, Your Spirit like water to my soul"
like night class getting out early and walking up the hill in light

i am no expert at deep seeing.  if anything, most of the time my eyes are bent towards whining.  but would you, along with me, ask God for eyes that see deeply today, friend? 

deep seeing makes gratitude possible.
deep seeing makes gratitude possible.

well geez, louise! if that smile doesn't just say "wanna be friends and share this cupcake with me? and then i will make you feel loved and valuable all the time because i have a heart of stinkin gold" then i don't know what does.. (:

but seriously, friends.  this one's got a heart of gold.

this is my dear friend, syd, and she LOVES Jesus and is always always letting her heart be shaped by Him and she has a passion for people to know Him, especially high school kids, and she reminds me of truth and points me to beauty and she watches documentaries and reads about women's rights and she wheezes when she laughs (: and she loves beyonce and she's a fan of patagonia and french press and just people in general.  i wish so badly that everyone could know her!  but if it's not possible for everyone to know her, i am honored to be one of the ones that gets to be touched by her life.

getting to know her heart is one of the biggest honors for me.  i do, i feel honored to learn more and more pieces of the heart of this incredible human. 

today, my heart is full.

it didn't start out that way.  it started out self-destructive, self-doubtful, self-ish.  in a dry and empty place.  pathetic, really.  whiney and needy and ugly. 

but then i felt God's spirit urging me to basically pick myself up.  to do hard things i didn't want to do.  to stop whining.  to stop wallowing and thinking.  i think i too often think that Him loving me and Him comforting me means Him soothing and saying nice words.  which i know He does.  i know He's gentle.  but today Him loving me meant a kick in the pants, and i'm thankful.  He didn't let me fall or stay in that place.  today i saw how He looked past my ugliness to who He made me to be, and started doing some chiseling with me.

and i'm thankful:
for God being who He is.  for me not being God and not getting to decide how God is.
for God giving each of us purpose.
for paige's voice on the phone.
for holland.  every day for holland.  for the handmade card with "to my sweet pea" on the front of it that she gave just to love me.  i'll never be able to say how much i love that soul.
for craisins and chocolate chips.
for sean and marissa and the ridiculous amount of joy in their eyes and squeaks in their voices when they saw so many people making decisions to live on campus next year to make Christ known. their legacy is beautiful.
for clean rooms
for cory and matthew, makin me laugh and taking time to talk to me.  those two!  i just like em a lot!
for coral calling me alexi rae.  that is the most special!  no one else does that & i love it!
for sleeping at last
for taylor, and that he's in my life.
for coral letting emily and i each take a lip to put chapstick on for her (:
for the dried flower on my desk that makes me happy
for coral and how she is the kind of friend who makes me repeat after her and say "my name is alexi rae speich and i am smart and cool" when i was feeling kinda not.  coral is SO good and caring for people.
for amy.
for dad taking time out of his day just to help me problem solve to try to figure out internet problems.
for running
for afton. 
for warm showers
for cole and tj and isaac, my brothers.
for the 3 kathys that i met at church on sunday (: and the cookies they wanted us to take home and the love they gave!
for winter and how she always visits me and tells me about her day!  just my favorite.
for becca wanting to be with me and the hugs she gives!
for doing hard things
for emily.  one who has a special place.  her friendship is so dear to me.

thank you for being my friend.  as i'm growing up, i've never cherished that more. 
thank you for loving God and setting your heart after Him.
thank you for leading our family with your love for God and establishing our house as one that serves Him.
thank you for giving me your eyebrows and your nose and your forehead (:
thank you for making me laugh.. all the time!  i definitely have a sweet spot in my heart for your humor!
thank you for your patience and for being slow to anger.
thank you for always letting me drive.
thank you for putting up with me.. all of me.. even the ugly parts.
thank you for leading our family towards healthy lifestyles that honor God with our bodies and food.
thank you for the way you treat women and the respect you give.
thank you that as long as i have known you i have seen you treat and love mom with so much faithfulness.
thank you for those car rides after home depot, beating the steering wheel like a drum with paint-stiring sticks to loud music.
thank you for loving music.  i know you're the reason i love music as much as i do.
thank you for being a person i know i can come to with my questions about God, and thank you for never shaming me for them.
thank you for being baptized with me. i’ll always treasure that.
thank you for introducing me to dark chocolate.
thank you for those times you go out of your way to come and visit me and spend time with me.
thank you for challenging my thoughts and opinions.
thank you for the questions you ask.
thank you that switchfoot’s song, your love is a song, will always remind me of you.
thank you for those spontaneous texts that affirm and encourage me.
thank you for the ways you work hard to provide for our family and support me.
thank you for showing me what it looks like to follow God with your life.
thank you for knowing how much i love eggs and always saving some for me on the stove when i'm home.
thank you for those times you watched i love lucy with me, even though you reeeaally didn’t want to (:
thank you for all of those summers you took me, paige, and nooms camping with our friends.
thank you for being so so interested in my friends!
thank you for being so interested in my stories even when they're about people you don't even know.
thank you for not being afraid to do hard things.
thank you for your humility.
thank you for loving me so much, always.  i've doubted many things in life, but never your love.
thank you for being a father who is so much like my heavenly Father.  you're not perfect, but your life has helped me understand the Lord more.


you’re the best man i know, dad.

happy birthday to one of the people i love most in the world.  cheers to beautiful living.

for sunshine and warm walks to class
for breakfast with angela.
for the thick realization that i won't always have wednesday morning caf breakfast with angela.
for the unique time of life that college is.  what a gift it is!
for God always calling me back to Himself when i stray
for adventure.
for finding God.  He never denies Himself from me.
for coral and holland and anna feeling like my sisters
for a text from dad saying, "do you have time today for a visitor?" (:
for music that loves
for jenna. stromberger.
for solomon teaching me about wisdom in 1 kings
for quiche and coffee with a dad who knows my heart and my struggles more than anyone
for sarah walking into my room just sayin, "can i give you a hug?" what!  make my day why don'tcha!
for a creative writing class with talented, inspiring people!
for afternoons with holland, just to be together. to be human and question and not know and feel.
for emily's stinkin beautiful heart.  seriously, it is a treasure unveiled every time we spend time together!
for so much love from a dear friend taking time to skype me & listen to my heart... all the way from germany!
for being able to spend time with friends in davies in the middle of the day!  seriously, how cool!

for kind professors with gray sweaters and harry potter glasses who teach me about photosynthesis and say things like, "i tend to say fun-gi because i'm a FUN guy!" ..haha, that's real.  seriously how enjoyable!

for learning about how seriously BRILLIANT God made the earth and environmental systems. so crazy how He just thought of everything!

for rachel, and that she would read psalm 23 over me.  so precious and valued.  like, are ya kiddin me?  i have friends like that??

for putnam trail

for oranges.  Lord only knows how many oranges i've eaten these days.  guys, i'm even eating one right now! ha!

for rachael calling me lex in passing today!  i smiled a good five minutes after that.

for holland's farm shirts (:

for shoes.  i've been whining about the cold a lot lately, but then i look down at my feet and imagine how much more cold i would be if i didn't have shoes.  then i stop whining.  i am thankful for shoes.

for inspiration and beauty.

for sincerity

for art, with trent.  he teaches me so much about who Jesus is.

for yui singing a song about my tights the other day and how the pattern was too flowery for the weather we are having.. all this in song.. and then walking away. (:

for monica.  her heart, i tell ya.  one of the biggest ones i've encountered.

for anna and her ability to speak truth in gentleness and love!

for chase and the life he lives.

for emily.  her ability to listen and care is one that has blessed me time and time again.  she cares for people DEEPLY.

for singing

for coral and our friendship.  i value it so stinkin much.  it is precious to me.

for morning

for amy.  loving me even though she knows the ugly parts of my heart and speaking truth over me.

for my mom and how she teaches me about unconditional love.  she loves me so well!

for becca.  i know i always say for becca, but geesh i gotta!  she is one to thank God for daily!



mostly, though, for God being trustworthy.

for austin and emily and james.  such a privilege in so closely experiencing each of their beautiful hearts and what God is doing in them.  each one just so dear to me.  three gifts, truly.

for 60 degrees and fresh air and sunshine

for holding becca's hand

for new cities and sights

for emily's great care for me when I was feeling sick and crappy and tired... what a gracious friend!

for seeing how knowing Jesus & His love can cause people to care so so well, especially for our group this weekend, and house us and feed us and pray over us... i mean, wow!

for so many instances of praying with people i'd never met before... ya know, what a cool thing!

for the ability to just be with becca.  she's just like a breath of fresh air.  coffee shops in new cities with her.

for so many strangers turned friends.

for seeing so many people gathered to discover God.

for austin's love for people.  he's really good at it.

for convictions and heart stirs.

for God thinking about me.

for God desiring me, just as i am; to be my friend and my Father and my king.

for emily's whiney voice. (:

for learning, and always learning.

for long car rides and singing auld lang syne

for discovering things about each other.  i love that!  what a cool thought, discovering people.

for laughter.

for justine and her big huge heart

for kahealani and her sweet and authentic way of living and loving.. (i mean, look at her name.. so cool how much it reflects that)

for having friends who are willing to talk about confusing things, and an environment with them that is one of freedom to express confusion and disagreement.

for new years texts!  i love all of those mass holiday texts! haha, but especially sincere, personalized ones.

for prayers with emily before bed.  i think that's one of my very favorite things.

for white; for snow wafts on the highway, trees covered, and fields untouched

for getting to love and be loved.




there is much to be thankful for.

for coffee in the morning and coffee in the evening                                                                                                       for gramma and her sass and the gift she has of bringing everyone together
for a sister who lets me borrow her sweater and lets me hold her hand in the car                                                  for a holiday that is dedicated to pausing to be thankful, and together
for fireplaces
for safety
for an aunt who bakes a pumpkin pie just because she knows i love them                                                               for pumpkin pie
for my grandpa and how much he loves my gramma
for allison, and that she is in my family and is also my friend
for sweet texts all day long from people who just mean the world to me
for an aunt who gives cheek kisses
for my dad, makin me laugh all day long
for extended time at the table to lounge and talk and be together
for a thanksgiving eve service at church that seriously moved my heart
for mr grow and mrs grow and spencer and j.p. and riley.. each one very special.. they're family to me
for times when i get to grocery shop in target with my dad                                                                                           for being known, and known so deeply
for familiar trails
for lauren draayer
for God giving himself, and everything that comes with that.. (joy, deep love, life, peace, fullness)



i find that today, especially, my heart is troubled at the extent to which i have been given gifts that are ridiculously undeserved.  it just doesn't seem okay to have been given so much, and sometimes it just kind of puts me in shock and overwhelms me, almost too much to handle, if i think long enough about the kindness and goodness that God has extended to me throughout my life.  so if God is willing to appreciate the measly thanks that comes out of my mouth, i think i will be expressing that thanks as long as i am able.  i don't always want to thank God.  i snap and disappoint and fall short.  i worry and hurt and doubt and i know i have grieved him.  but he still chooses every day to love me, and give himself and every one of my needs.  so i think i can choose every day to thank him.  he is worthy of my life.  he is worthy of so much more than my life.

friends,
it would mean the world if you would watch this video that i got to create with my dear, and very talented, friend, becca.  this was a JOY.  click here: [thankfulness]
we really hope it blesses you and that wherever you are, you are able to pause, take a deep breath, and embrace the Creator's goodness.

for towers and for this community and for each of these beautiful people ^^
for going around in a circle and each saying one thing we are thankful for
for mini pumpkin pies... that steph larson is gooood at making mini pumpkin pies, holy cow...
for a homemade sign made last minute with a deformed turkey hand (: (yep, that would be my work ;))
for getting to know sweet girls on my floor, emily and amber
for movies that are sold out
for eggnog from fancy gas stations
for drinking that eggnog in cherry cups and clinking glasses together
for games in a homey home with really wonderful people
for cinnamon gummy bears that taste like christmas
for really sweet notes
for austin and bryan and maija and katie
for steph and christine and two cassies
for harry potter with friends who love me and feel like my sisters
for angela
for sitting in sunshine
for cassie and for the ways she loves me... like sitting with me on my floor for a long time and laughing with me and putting up with my crazy weird antics such as looking up pictures of foot bunyons and disfigured feet on google and letting me show her hillsong videos (:
for meghan and her friendship and her cozy room with blankets
for devyn and her stories and her love
for sarah and her hugs
for lord huron, a band that austin showed me... guys, they are sooo good.. ya gotta give em a listen!
for diane comer and the wisdom on her blog that just gets me every time!