tonight.

Tonight I painted blobs of color because sometimes that's the only way I can express anything.
Tonight I felt things deeply.  I don't even know what I felt.  Lots of things.  But tonight I don't want to sort through any of them, even though it's bothering me that I don't exactly know all of what I feel.
Tonight I read stories and heard songs about people hurting and agonizing over God's distance and the pain their soul felt in that distance.
Tonight I deeply appreciated the authenticity and real-ness of these stories.
Tonight I felt like I failed God.
Tonight I think I resisted community.
Tonight truth was spoken into my mind through John Mark Comer's words.
Tonight my soul is sad for the people who don't know who Jesus is.  And tonight I realized I don't know how to love them like He would.
Tonight I looked at the pictures on my wall and realized that not one of the faces does not know Jesus.  This makes me realize that maybe I'm letting my comfort bubble close in on me again.
Tonight, I'm not meaning to depress you or burden you with my thoughts, or write for the sake of empathy.
Tonight I just wanted to be real.
Because Jesus was real.  And Jesus felt things deeply, too.
Tonight I will rest, knowing that God is okay with me being on a journey, and not having everything all figured out.